THE PFT ALL-SEINFELD TEAM
This thing started when our pal Todd Wright of Sporting News Radio posed a simple question: Who is the NFL equivalent of Kenny Banya, the rival comic on Seinfeld who was always riding Jerry's coattails?
The best we could come up with was Wade Phillips, since he has followed three great head coachs -- Dan Reeves, Marv Levy, and Bils Parcells.
But then Todd took it a step farther, suggesting a broader look at which NFL figures compare to characters from one of the best television shows in the history of the technology.
We put out a call to the members of PFT Planet, and they came through. Big time. So here's our first (and probably last) crack at an NFL All-Seinfeld Team.
In no particular order -- and we are adding more, so check back.
NEW ENTRIES FOR AUGUST 22, 2007
Jerome Bettis, when faking an injury: Elaine, when faking it.
Pete Kendall, when snapping the ball over the quarterback's head: George, when trying to get fired from the Yankees.
Tiki Barber: George, when trying to insert the word "anathema" into conversation.
Quanis Phillips: Jerry, when ratting out Kramer for sneaking a cafe latte into the movies.
Roger Goodell and Mike Vick: Kramer and Ray, the guy who stole the statue from Jerry's apartment.
Mike Vick: Darren the intern after the incident with the giant ball of oil, since both are going away for a long time.
Joe Namath: Jerry, when trying to pull off the roommate swap.
Suzy Kolber: The roommate.
The woman who sued Ron Mexico: Jerry's girlfriend who got an STD from a tractor.
Charlie Frye playing quarterback: Milosh playing tennis.
The Dolphins' team physician: George when he pretended to be a marine biologist.
Joe Cullen: George, in the body suit.
Mike Vick: George after having sex with the maid on his desk and asking Mr. Lippman, "What that wrong? Should I not have done that?"
Any player who has suffered a concussion: Kramer, after getting kicked in the head by Joe Davola.
LenDale White in the offseason: Kramer's waitress girlfriend.
Bill Belichick in his hooded sweatshirt: George, when draped in velvet.
The Raiders and JaMarcus Russell's agents: George and Mike Moffitt arguing over the parking space.
Tom Brady, when taking about his relationship with Matt Cassell: Jerry and George, when being interviewed by a reporter from NYU.
Art Shell in 2006: George, when moving back in with his parents.
Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl: Elaine's Christmas card.
Orlando Brown with a penalty flag in his eye: George with grapefruit juice in his eye.
Onterrio Smith: Elaine's boyfriend who was the Wiz.
Bill Polian when encountering a Jets employee prior to a game: Elaine, immediately after exclaiming, "Get out!"
Brett Favre when considering retirement: The carpenter who was remodeling Jerry's kitchen.
Retired NFL players: The rickshaw drivers.
Curtis Enis: Delores.
Tampa Bay's grievance against Jake Plummer: The Michigan bottle refund scam.
NEW ENTRIES FOR AUGUST 15, 2007
Donovan McNabb, whenever he plays in Florida: Jerry, after eating a black and white cookie.
DeAngelo Hall: Kramer, when testifying at Newman's trial for a speeding ticket.
Brady Quinn on the cover of Men's Health: George, engaging in the timeless art of seduction.
Pacman Jones: Elaine, when the Soup Nazi says, "Come back one year!"
Lovie Smith, when determining how far Rex Grossman can take the Bears in the postseason: Kramer, when determining how far he can test-drive a Saab on fumes.
Emmitt Smith as a broadcaster: George Costanza as an architect.
Robert Irsay: Keith Hernandez, when seeking help with his move.
Troy Williamson: Jerry, when wearing the glasses from the "lost and found" of the Alex Theater.
Chad Johnson, as Ocho Cinco: George, as T-Bone.
Marshawn Lynch, in a cart after a game: George, in his Play Now scooter.
Willie McGinest: Estelle Costanza, after she "caught" George.
Joe Horn, circa 2000: George, after saying "God bless you" to a married woman.
Sebastian Janikowski: Manya.
Chad Pennington: Jerry and Kramer, after low-flow shower heads were installed in the building.
NEW ENTRIES FOR AUGUST 14, 2007
Phil Luckett, on Thanksgiving Day 1998: The deaf girl Jerry dated.
Michael Strahan: The Drake, or George when avoiding his calls.
Onterrio Smith: Elaine, when using Mrs. Seinfeld's urine to pass a drug test.
Ron Mexico: Kramer, when pretending to have an STD as part of an acting gig.
Deuce McAllister, after Albert Connell stole his money: Morty Seinfeld at the doctor's office. (Yeah, we've already used the clip, but this one is gold, Jerry. Gold!)
Freddie Mitchell, when thanking his hands after a playoff game: Ray McKigney.
Jeffrey Lurie, when trying to get $3 million back from Brian Westbrook: Winona, when trying to get a TV Guide back from Jerry.
Joey Sunshine: George, when refusing to quit his job at Play Now.
JaMarcus Russell's agent: Stan the caddy.
Rae Carruth, when hiding in a trunk: Mike the Bookie, when hiding in a trunk.
Pete Kendall: George, when trying to get fired by the Yankees.
Elvis Dumervil, when getting his leg stepped on by Marcus Vick: Elaine, when getting her foot stepped on by a guy with a cane.
NEW ENTRIES FOR AUGUST 13, 2007
Thurman Thomas, for being late to the field in the Super Bowl because he couldn't find his helmet: Jean-Paul Jean-Paul.
Jerry Reese: The little kid who calls George "ugly" in the parking garage.
Mike Vick: Elaine, when she says, "The dingo ate your baby."
Koren Robinson: Kramer, when he says, "These pretzels are making me thirsty."
Dick Vermeil: Jerry, when he decides to let his emotions come out.
Joe Namath: The residents of the apartment building who were kissing everyone else.
Art Shell, circa 2006: The Mandelbaum who used the medicine ball for training.
Suzy Kolber: Gwen, the woman who looks good in some settings, not so good in others.
Rex Grossman: George, when described by Keith Hernandez as a "chucker."
Andy Reid, when making Donovan McNabb wait for the play calls in Super Bowl XXXIX: The doctor who made Morty Seinfeld wait to get his back examined.
Richard Seigler: The guy who ran the "Maid to Order" housecleaning service.
Jared Lorenzen: The guy they didn't help when he was getting his car stolen.
Deion Sanders/Michael Irvin: Kramer, when he borrows the technicolor dreamcoat.
Ben Roethlisberger/Kellen Winslow: Ping, the delivery boy who wrecked on his bike.
Ben Roethlisberger: The dude who had a Junior Mint fall into his open stomach during surgery.
Every Browns player who has had a staph infection: The same guy, but without the Junior Mint.
Mike Tice, when scalping Super Bowl tickets: George, when scalping tickets to Pagliacci.
Esera Tualo: Man hands.
Vince Young, when taking the Wonderlic: George, when taking an IQ test.
Major Adams, Vince Young's agent: Elaine, taking the IQ test for George. (Obviously, Adams didn't take the test for Young. If he had, the score would have been even lower.)
Carl Poston, for not reading LaVar Arrington's contract: George, when he tries to avoid reading Breakfast at Tiffany's by watching the movie.
Eugene Robinson: George, when caught by Susan while paying a hooker for information.
Richie Anderson: Jerry, when caught by the cops paying the maid he was diddling.
Shawne Merriman: Elaine after eating poppy seed muffins.
Ricky Williams' urine sample: Rudy Giuliani's blood sample.
Nick Harper: The guy who got stabbed by an ex-girlfriend because he is a "bad breaker-upper."
Brian Moorman: The correct answer to the final question in George's game of Trivial Pursuit with the Bubble Boy.
Dhani Jones: Kramer, as H.E. Pennypacker.
Tom Walsh: Morty Seinfeld, when trying to sell raincoats again after years of retirement.
A.J. Hawk: George, after getting out of a swimming pool.
Virginia McCaskey: The woman from whom Jerry stole a marble rye.
Rock Cartwright: George, in the Chinese restaurant.
NEW ENTRIES FOR AUGUST 12, 2007
Joe Cullen: Jerry's girlfriend who never wore clothes.
Michael Strahan: Elaine, when Jerry calls her "the queen of confrontation."
Dom Capers: Gary Fogel, the dude for whom Jerry bought a toupee.
Jim Mora Jr., who lost a great job by running off at the mouth: Jerry's friend Seth, who lost a great job by blowing off a meeting.
Al Davis: The Andrea Dorea survivor.
Bob Kraft, when he gave Vladimir Putin a Super Bowl ring: Jack Klompus, when he gave Jerry the astronaut pen that writes upside down.
Terrell Owens: George, when he builds the area under his desk so he can take naps while working.
Sebastian Janikowski, when he allegedly was in possession of GHB: Jerry, when he gave his girlfriend the wrong medicine so he could play with her toys. (Note that Janikowski was acquitted of all charges.)
Mike Greenberg: Norene's boyfriend whose gender could not be determined based on his voice.
ORIGINAL ENTRIES, UPDATED THROUGH AUGUST 11, 2007
Jon Jansen: Mike the Bookie, since they both have suffered broken thumbs.
Mike Brown: Morty Seinfeld, for his, um, frugality.
Marty Morningsomething: George Costanza, for doing the opposite when winning the toss in overtime.
Mike Ditka: Yuri Testikov.
Joe Cullen: The guy who took his clothes off on the subway (or the woman who walked around naked in the nearby apartment building).
Kurt and Brenda Warner: Shmoopy.
Roger Goodell: Bookman the library cop.
Bill Cowher: Aaron the close talker.
Woody Johnson: Russell Dalrymple.
Manny Wright: Fragile Frankie Merman.
Brett Favre: Sid Field, an old man with a collection of records.
Zygi Wilf: Babu Bhatt.
Bob Kraft: Jerry, when caught in a "scratch".
Vince Wilfork: Ditto.
Morten Andersen: Kramer, as the world's oldest ball boy.
Shannon Sharpe: Rusty the horse.
O.J. Simpson: The Lopper.
Bob Costas: Mickey Abbott.
Marv Levy, Ralph Wilson, Dan Rooney: The Mandelbaums.
